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Sometimes I dance around the living room with one hand waving free...

"With all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world…Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

— Max Ehrmann

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


*** Since I've had a few hours to cool off, this blog is edited for content and now rated at LEAST PG-13***

Ya know...I think it takes a lot to make me mad,I mean, I've taken anger management twice and I think that I've come a VERY long way, especially now that I have eliminated alot of the language that comes out of my mouth ( I've let some bad words slip...) BUT TODAY, TODAY I get an award for holding my temper..
( Knock Knock) ( cause the doorbell at my house doesn't work)
me: "hello"
one of two men from Provo City: " hello, we've had some complaints about this chair on your front porch."
Me: " So,( then I pause for a nano second, I realize that I was being rude) Are you serious?"
Man: " Yes, well it's against zoning to have a house item on the porch."
Me: " Well, I had some really cool vintage chairs on my porch that belonged here, and someone stole them, so I'm just hoping someone steals this too, and saves me the trouble of getting rid of it."
Man: ( he has a shocked look on his face) " Um, well, it has to be moved"
Me: I'll stick it in the yard then and someone will come pick it up."
Man: " Do you think someone will?"
Me: " Did you not hear me, someone walked onto this porch and stole the other chairs, how about if I put a sign on it that says FREE?"
Man: "Well it has to be gone in 14 days"
Me: " oh good gosh, fine whatever, come back in 14 days and it will be gone."
Man: " Okay..."
Me: " and PS..only in FREAKING Utah! "
( I shut the door on them as they are talking, I don't need to hear it... I mean, SERIOUSLY...SERIOUSLY??? %$#^@#....Ya, know, I deserve the award for keeping what was in my head from coming out of my mouth ... I KNOW I can get loud, and I KNOW that I am mean, but bless my soul for not cussing those two stupid @#$%^#@ #$%^#@$ out... SERIOUSLY!!???
So, I called Captain Awesome to bring his car over so we could move it since he drives an SUV and of course, he's awesome so he comes over, but we have to run errands first...maybe he thought the drive would calm me down, but ya know what I saw on our little drive...I saw a old mustang parked in the front yard of some house, I saw a LIVING ROOM set in another...a computer desk on a porch...trash littering the streets, a couple of homeless people taking their belongings around town in stolen grocery carts, and graffiti drawn by the bored bad #$$ youth of the city...YEP... Ya know what Provo City... why don't you hire someone to pick up the litter, why don't you hire someone to paint over the crap spray painted on buildings, why don't you freaking find something for teenage kids with parents who don't watch them, something to do...WHY DON'T YOU FIND A PLACE FOR THE HOMELESS TO LIVE, so they aren't roaming the streets and WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT A CHAIR ON MY FRONT PORCH THAT MY FRIEND SITS IN WHEN HE COMES OVER!!!???
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I mean, I get a ticket for a head light that doesn't work, never mind that there are more pressing issues like , I don't know the war on drugs to deal with, my little head light is a big deal..and now , I need to get a chair off my porch, because , humph, maybe someone thinks it's an eye sore...well I think little girls with white tights and black patent leather shoes is an eye sore, but you don't see me going up to their mommas saying, "Please lady, white socks and black shoes ARE NO GOOD!" I think when people pierce the middle of their bottom lips look RIDICULOUS,but I don't walk up to them and say, " EWW, gross, how do you kiss with that?" SERIOUSLY IT WAS A CHAIR ON A PORCH! Give me a %$^#@# %$%^&*^ break!
I've been wearing this bracelet on my ankle, first til my friend Goob came home from Afghanistan, then til Court, my best friend Lisa's husband came home from Iraq and then I decided I was going to wear it til the war was over completely...I still have it on my ankle ( almost six years later) so it seems to me like we have more pressing things in the world to worry about then some stupid chair on a porch that is part of a house that I pay more than $600 dollars a month to live in...


Charlotte said...

wow. that's really actually very funny. I'm glad there are no BIGGER problems for them to deal with than a chair on your porch. oh my.

The Harward Family said...

Oh my Goodness!! I can't believe it! Its just a chair. You are absolutely right about how ridiculous of a concern it is! Some people.

Sam said...

merica faces no deadlier enemy at home or abroad than front lawn house furniture. The Clinton Administration itself estimates that every day front lawn furniture kills 55 American men, women, and children and costs the American people $18 million. And while the furniture destroy families at every income level, they strike hardest at the most vulnerable among us--poor families and children. Furniture abuse is also strongly connected to crime. More than two-thirds of all arrestees in 1995 admitted to leaving furniture on the porch. In some large urban areas, up to 80% of arrestees have house furniture outside. And case studies of several large metropolitan areas found that approximately one-fourth to one-half of all homicides were furniture-related. A 1994 study of New York City murders found that victims were anywhere from 10 to 50 times more likely than members of the general population to have been furniture abusers.

Purple CJ Diva Duckie said...

OH this slays me! LOL And SAM killed me with that comment!
Sounds like the people in PC have been hanging around with the people of the Queen City. Maybe it's a conspiracy? Don't think the lady down the street from me had anything to do with it do ya? :-)

michelle said...

HA HA HA HA Oh Carolyn, um, she might have, she can be really vindictive and hmmm...she might be releasing some bottled up resentment still after all these years... LOL Ha ha ha , bless her icy heart

Purple CJ Diva Duckie said...

Well, Michelle, if it keeps happening, we may have to really consider the possiblities of hiring a PD! There are all kinds of weird things going on around here all the time, and I would not be surprised if she MIGHT be the one calling the CITY on me! WOULD NOT PUT IT PAST HER? WOULD YOU????? :-) Like you said, Bless her icy heart!

Krissy said...

LOL ... Michelle, I really need to find more time to read your blog, cause you remind me of... hmmm, who is it.... ???? OH YEAH! ME! lol ... FABULOUS times dahling. FABULOUS. :)

deanna said...

you know what'd I'd call em. That's right...

Carmen said...

OH my gosh!! That was the most hilarious thing I've read in a while!! :)
I cannot believe that the people we call "law" go around harrassing people like you (and my mom) about crap like that! You know the USA has problems when others are worrying about what or what not may be on someone's property! :) lol
I'll second what my mom said about Sam-that was freaking hilarious!!

becky said...

girl we had a couch on our porch in HB that the neighbors complained about and the police made us get rid of it for the same reason!

Mrs. Lyndsee said...

This is the funniest freaking thing I have ever read... :) Typical Michelley! Love you....

Jenna said...

Oh my word Michelle. That guy is all sorts of crazy. The next time some guy pests you about something so ridiculous tell him to walk three houses down and look to his left. My old house has a ripped up old couch hanging out by their porch!! Hope things are going better for you now?

becky said...

you need to BLOG missy!!

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

what happened to you! We need some of your humor!

the best christmas present ever!

the best christmas present ever!


There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

I am the queen and this is my year, and nothing, NOTHING is impossible

the family dog....so spoiled...but look at his face!

the family dog....so spoiled...but look at his face!