About Me

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Sometimes I dance around the living room with one hand waving free...

"With all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world…Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

— Max Ehrmann

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


*** Since I've had a few hours to cool off, this blog is edited for content and now rated at LEAST PG-13***

Ya know...I think it takes a lot to make me mad,I mean, I've taken anger management twice and I think that I've come a VERY long way, especially now that I have eliminated alot of the language that comes out of my mouth ( I've let some bad words slip...) BUT TODAY, TODAY I get an award for holding my temper..
( Knock Knock) ( cause the doorbell at my house doesn't work)
me: "hello"
one of two men from Provo City: " hello, we've had some complaints about this chair on your front porch."
Me: " So,( then I pause for a nano second, I realize that I was being rude) Are you serious?"
Man: " Yes, well it's against zoning to have a house item on the porch."
Me: " Well, I had some really cool vintage chairs on my porch that belonged here, and someone stole them, so I'm just hoping someone steals this too, and saves me the trouble of getting rid of it."
Man: ( he has a shocked look on his face) " Um, well, it has to be moved"
Me: I'll stick it in the yard then and someone will come pick it up."
Man: " Do you think someone will?"
Me: " Did you not hear me, someone walked onto this porch and stole the other chairs, how about if I put a sign on it that says FREE?"
Man: "Well it has to be gone in 14 days"
Me: " oh good gosh, fine whatever, come back in 14 days and it will be gone."
Man: " Okay..."
Me: " and PS..only in FREAKING Utah! "
( I shut the door on them as they are talking, I don't need to hear it... I mean, SERIOUSLY...SERIOUSLY??? %$#^@#....Ya, know, I deserve the award for keeping what was in my head from coming out of my mouth ... I KNOW I can get loud, and I KNOW that I am mean, but bless my soul for not cussing those two stupid @#$%^#@ #$%^#@$ out... SERIOUSLY!!???
So, I called Captain Awesome to bring his car over so we could move it since he drives an SUV and of course, he's awesome so he comes over, but we have to run errands first...maybe he thought the drive would calm me down, but ya know what I saw on our little drive...I saw a old mustang parked in the front yard of some house, I saw a LIVING ROOM set in another...a computer desk on a porch...trash littering the streets, a couple of homeless people taking their belongings around town in stolen grocery carts, and graffiti drawn by the bored bad #$$ youth of the city...YEP... Ya know what Provo City... why don't you hire someone to pick up the litter, why don't you hire someone to paint over the crap spray painted on buildings, why don't you freaking find something for teenage kids with parents who don't watch them, something to do...WHY DON'T YOU FIND A PLACE FOR THE HOMELESS TO LIVE, so they aren't roaming the streets and WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT A CHAIR ON MY FRONT PORCH THAT MY FRIEND SITS IN WHEN HE COMES OVER!!!???
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I mean, I get a ticket for a head light that doesn't work, never mind that there are more pressing issues like , I don't know the war on drugs to deal with, my little head light is a big deal..and now , I need to get a chair off my porch, because , humph, maybe someone thinks it's an eye sore...well I think little girls with white tights and black patent leather shoes is an eye sore, but you don't see me going up to their mommas saying, "Please lady, white socks and black shoes ARE NO GOOD!" I think when people pierce the middle of their bottom lips look RIDICULOUS,but I don't walk up to them and say, " EWW, gross, how do you kiss with that?" SERIOUSLY IT WAS A CHAIR ON A PORCH! Give me a %$^#@# %$%^&*^ break!
I've been wearing this bracelet on my ankle, first til my friend Goob came home from Afghanistan, then til Court, my best friend Lisa's husband came home from Iraq and then I decided I was going to wear it til the war was over completely...I still have it on my ankle ( almost six years later) so it seems to me like we have more pressing things in the world to worry about then some stupid chair on a porch that is part of a house that I pay more than $600 dollars a month to live in...

Monday, April 7, 2008

An End to Soda drinking...so long fizzy drink

I love soda, I just do... I just love it...I love the way it just fizzes in my mouth and perks me right up on long hot summer's day, and back home there is this WONDERFUL soda that is only made in the Carolinas that is simply so yummy, once you taste it you're pretty much hooked...that's right..CHEERWINE..IT'S SO GOOD !!!!!
..DID YOU KNOW...ONE can of pepsi in a load of luandrey can remove oil and grease stains from your clothes..the kind of oil and grease stains you get from working on cars I want to add...did you also know that a can of coke can remove hard water stains from your toilet and shower....AND did you know that a can of soda can remove that crusty white stuff off of your car battery...hmmm....now if can remove all that stuff what is it removing from the inside of my body when I drink it..."Besides the increasingly explored link between high fructose corn syrup and American obesity, there are questions about how heavy soda consumption reduces the effectiveness of some antibiotics and how it indirectly increases kids’ likelihood for osteoporosis (because they’re replacing milk with soft drinks and thus lacking calcium). While we can’t believe every anti-soda claim, if even a fraction of them are true, we need to change our habits."

"Waist Widener Sweetened drinks can pack on the pounds. If, on average, we're drinking 18 ounces of liquid candy daily, we're adding about 225 calories to our diet. Over the course of a month, that's almost 7,000 additional calories, which can easily translate to a 2-pound gain. Over a year, these drinks could be adding 24 pounds to our bottom line." I don't know about any of you, but MY BOTTOM line, doesn't need any help....
"Drinking soda not only contributes to making people fat, but it also stresses the body's ability to process sugar. Some scientists now suspect that the sweet stuff may help explain why the number of Americans with type 2 diabetes has tripled from 6.6 million in 1980 to 20.8 million today."
So....this is it..wish me luck and good health, because the next 28 days are me giving up my need for soda...my need for the morning can of Dr. Pepper....my need for the ups guy to bring me my case of Cheerwine all the way from North Carolina...
can you please pass me the FiJi
... I'll only be drinking water now....*sigh*..this is DAY ONE and it is hard already, but I can do it...

Friday, April 4, 2008

I wouldn't last a day locked up....a lesson learned...

....It all started when I got pulled over at the end of the worst year ever (2007)

officer : " do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me : " No "
Officer: " Your right head light is out "
Me: " that's it"
Officer: " Yeah, are you driving home at this hour, do you live near by"
Me: " Two blocks down the street."
Officer: " I'm writing you a citation, go get it fixed."

later on the phone to my friend Kiyomi.. me: " Don't they have criminals to arrest... I WASN'T SPEEDING OR ANYTHING AND THE OTHER HEAD LIGHT WORKS! #$%^....%$#%#@$%! "

later that week,

Me: " Matt, can you help me replace a head light...I got a ticket for it."
Matt: " Do you mean you want me to fix it while you watch.."
Me: " I can watch tv while you fix it."
Matt: " Come over"
Me: " Thanks"

so I got it fixed..and time when by...and a letter came in the mail...

You didn't come in regarding your citation so now you have a fine.... $91

me: " $%#%$...%$^$%^" ( this was when I still had a potty mouth )

time went by....the money is on my dresser....I got a letter in the mail...

you didn't come in regarding your fine...your drivers license may be suspended....

(I no longer swear)


district court office
operator: " How can I help you?"
Me: "I got a notice in the mail about my license being suspended...I didn't pay a fine on time."
Operator: " Your Name"
Me: " Michelle"
Operator: " And your last name"
Me: "Oh yea, sorry...."
(I gave her my last name and the case number...there was a long pause."
Operator: " Michelle, um, well, there is a warrent out for your arrest now."
Me: " Please tell me you're kidding..are you serious...all for my head light.."
Operator: " AND you forgot to come in dear."
Me:" I've never been to jail...I've never been arrested..."
Operator: "It's okay dear, just bring in $164 and we can take care of it."
Me: " Or I go to Jail."

....do you know me? I wouldn't last a minute in JAIL! I can't even use a public rest room, let alone a potty in the middle of a cell...WHAT THE DEVIL? JAIL!

Me to boss: " I have to leave work early"
Boss Eric: " Why"
Me: " I have a warrant out for my arrest..I have to pay a bond or bail, I can't remember what the lady said, I have to pay today, and then take a paper to the DMV so they don't suspend my license"
Eric: " Can we call and tell them where to pick you up so you leave in handcuffs?"
Me: " Not funny..."
Eric: "Yes it is.."

I'm on the run from the law now...I'm going to run to the district court office so I can pay this whatever it is I have to pay....
NOTE TO SELF : Never put off til whenever what you really ought to do right now.

the best christmas present ever!

the best christmas present ever!


There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

I am the queen and this is my year, and nothing, NOTHING is impossible

the family dog....so spoiled...but look at his face!

the family dog....so spoiled...but look at his face!