If You REALLY Knew Me

So, I read my friend Kaycee's blog and she had a post about this show on MTV called, " If You Really Knew Me".. oh good grief. I took the challenge and watched it and bawled my eyes the whole time. I wonder if they had had this when I was younger if I would be different, or healthier. It hit a little too close to home, and even now when I want to go on and on about what I wish people knew about me.. I don't dare say it... any of it. I think Kaycee is rad though, we are SO different and I bet we're alot a like.

If you Really knew me.. you'd know that I am a fortress.... some say I can't keep a secret, but the truth is that I have lots, and most of them are about me and the things I'll never tell...

Sometimes I wish I was little again..when nothing mattered and there were no hard choices.. when things were simple and I was more free..

I was the one,

who would always

jump in first

Didn't think twice

to look behind

Got such a good feeling,

just from playing

in the dirt

Once,

when I was little

We could build a rocket,

fly to the moon

Leave Tuesday morning,

and be back for noon

There wasn't nothing,

nothing that we couldn't do

Once, when I was little umm

Once, when I was little

Yeah I could dream more then

Yeah I believed more then

That the world

could only get better

Yeah I was free more then

I could pretend more then

That this life could

only show me good times

Once, when I was little

umm ohh lalala

There was a time

when I trusted everyone

Yes I did

There was no place

that I would not go oh no

Spend a day on the hillside

next to the holly mo

Oh once, when I was little

Yea once, when I, I was little

Yeah I could dream more then

Yeah I believe more then

That this world

could only get better

Yeah I was free more then

I could pretend more then

That this life could

only show me good times

Once, when I was little

Used to feel so strong

Even when they tell me,

tell me I was wrong

That I can't live

in a magic world

Cause it's time

for me to grow up

That I got to be

like the rest of them

When I know

there acting up ohh

I could believe more

then yes I could

I could pretend more then

That this life could

only get better

I could believe more

then yes I could

I could pretend more then

That this world could

only show me good times

Once, when I was little

When I was little

So here comes the next one,

the next in line

Stay as young you can,

for the longest time

Cause those days flew by

Like a breeze

just passing through

Once, when I was little

I Freaking need a piece of candy!

I just had a break down.. my computer wasn't working right, I feel like I haven't done a ding dang thing.. I lost it, and cried in Becky's office.. She told me I needed a piece of candy... I gave up sugar and soda.. I cheated the other day here at work, and had a migraine all weekend long when I gave it up again.. CRAP.. I will not have the candy.. I'll just have a breakdown every now and then til this part is over.. Please bear with me... 

what a dream

I want a place all of my own. I want a place that is mine so I can put up artsy pictures and lovely paintings. I want to decorate all over and I want my place to scream, " SOMEONE WONDERFUL LIVES HERE" I want to sit on my couch and have deep meaningful conversations with my friends, or just shoot the bull over cold raspberry lemon aid with sprigs of mint. 

I want to move on

I want pretty music playing in the background of my life. I want to wake up in an over sized bed with the sun shinning in on me. 

This one time, I saw this movie....

There is a car in a ditch and oil is leaking and the engine is hot... He goes to be with her while he waits for help. He holds her hand. She can't see him. There is dust and dirt in her eyes, and she's crying, and the gash on her her head is bleeding, so he let's her know that it's okay." Just keep your eyes closed. I'm going to stay right here and tell you everything that is going on. You'll be okay"
" I'm scared," She says.
" Don't think about that, you're going to be okay. Hey....25 years from now, if you could be anywhere in the world, where would you be?
" My anniversary party." She sighs
" Who's at this party?"
" My kids, boys... Sam, and Charlie"
" What's the best thing about being married for 25 years?"
She smiles through the pain and strongly, turned upside down in the car that is leaking oil on a hot engine she says, " My husband. They say for better or worse, but with us.. it just gets better and better. He's my best friend. What about you?"
He wipes away some of the blood on her forehead, " my wife, after 25 years. I still can't get her off my mind. She's everything to me."

Dang it I really need to stop watching LifeTime Television for Women... it perpetuates my unrealistic views of relationships.... Good Grief! Bless my heart

God it's Me...remember me

Dear Heavenly Father,

Are ya there, It’s me, Michelle I just have a couple of questions regarding my life. I know that there are no refunds or exchanges, and I’m not asking for any changes in policy. I think that maybe I forgot to read the fine print. I mean, SERIOUSLY, this is what I signed up for? I mean don’t get me  wrong;  with all that I’ve experienced in my life.. I’m sitting really pretty right now. I mean,  I’m a part of an AMAZING family that loves me unconditionally and in no means ever makes me feel that I am anything but theirs, and oh my gosh, you’ve given me the most wonderful of friends that anyone can ask for ( please remove the crazies from my life if you can, I mean, they aren’t really my friends anyways)  I have a pretty decent job and most of my days are filled with laughter ( I contribute that to the laugh bank that I keep in my head with the funny stories I hear), but Heavenly Father, it saddens me to tell ya this, but this morning I woke up with the worse feeling.  With everything that you’ve blessed me with, I woke up this morning with the most  intense feeling of wanting. It was so intense that it hurt and I wanted to cry. Not like cry like I did at season 4 of or 2 for that matter of Grey’s Anatomy , but like really cry, like when your heart is missing something or someone so bad all you can do is cry, kind of cry.

What I’m trying to say is that I feel like my life is on pause in a way. Like someone hit the pause button when I have so much more left to do and experience . My mind is in forward motion, everything else around me seems to be moving ahead, but me, my body and my life are just standing still. I want to GO GO GO, and nothing is going on. What’s that about Heavenly Father, who hit the pause button? Was it hit by accident? Or is this it? Is this the life I signed up for, is this all I get? I feel like so much more should happen before it’s all done, and time is running out. Hmmm, could ya let me know somehow some way or another, what I should look for.. I mean, I know you don’t want to give  me a date, or a time frame or anything, but a sense of peace that , that there is more to come; that would do just fine.  Yes please, that will do just fine… Just saying

Love Me

I'm totally Random

“Sometimes we waste our words and we waste our moments, and we don’t take the time to say what’s in our hearts when we have the chance… and with that ; in the end, what we regret are the chances we never  took. “

Please Bless my walls come down and not another moment is wasted..not  another one.

 I still jump in a puddle after a good rain fall

I still eat push pops on a summer day when it’s so hot I can’t stand it

My favorite color is still pink

 I still swing on swings and look for four leaf clovers

I love the way sand feels between my toes and how the ocean feels in the middle of the night when no one is around, because it does feel different.

I dance around when no one is watching, and even if they are, I don’t mind

I love the way music moves me to write or dance, but most importantly it reminds me to feel.

I get so wrapped up in the feeling of love that when I have it, that I want to have that feeling forever … I’ll hold on for dear life to love

I enjoy the sound of quiet

I love clean laundry fresh from the dryer

I don’t mind the idea of being a stay at home mom… I look forward to just being home with kids and keeping house

I want a craft room in my dream house so I can have a room to sew and paint in

And I want a library filled with books that I use to read when I was little ,that I can one day read to my own kids, like “ Adventures of  the  Box Car Children” ,“Ramona Quimby age 8”  and “ A Tale of Two Cities”

 I saw a colt get born once and then I wanted to live on a ranch

I kinda like the smell of farms and ranches

I like to spin around in chairs that swivel like a three year old

I want to make the most of every moment because I know how quickly times flies and I know what the regret  of not enjoying life feels like and I never want to look back and say,

“ I could’ve, I should’ve, I would’ve , but I didn’t…”

My Birthday was Tuesday!

I was born on Aug. 3rd.. My Birth dad said it was the greatest day of his life. I doubt a lot of things.. I have so many questions, but there is one thing that I hold dearest to my heart, and that is how much my daddy loves me. I won't pretend that we didn't have rocky times over the years. I was a brat growing up.. attention seeking, reckless and sometimes well.. it doesn't matter. He loved me through it all. And he was no picnic either. He was strict, quiet, heavy handed and intimidating, but no matter what he always told me how much I was wanted and loved. He brushed my hair and got me ready for school. He picked me from practices, he missed me when I went away to camp, he prayed for me when times were hard...
He told me often the story of when I was born and said, " Like God knew Jacob in the old testament before he was born, I knew you. I asked for you like Abraham and Sarah begged for Isaac. I begged for you. "
( Daddy is REALLY religious and French, so he told me LONG speeches, that I never appreciated until he stopped giving them to me)

I don't think there is a greater love than that of a father for his baby girl.

A good day

Right now at this moment, I can’t imagine being any happier.. I want to feel like this forever.. Dear Lord, don’t let anything mess this up. My cup runneth over… Yes, right now… this is what happiness is and I want to keep it with me.