Jr High Excitement

 It is like when I was in middle school. Every Fall, every summer, the night before going to camp with my youth group, I couldn't sleep. I waited to the last minute to pack every time, and I stayed up all night and thought about what that weekend or what that would week would mean to me.. All the excitement boiling up in me would not let me sleep. I'd "over pack" and not even  be the slightest bit tired in the morning when it time to take off, only  when my youth leader turned on Enya, and we started out on our way cuddled up with our friends in my church's 15 passenger vans did I shut my eyes and relax and take a nap before I experienced the time that I've been waiting for.
I'm going home  for the first time in like 11 years. I'm going to visit my friends, see my birth dad and breath in the North Carolina air, and maybe play in the rain, but I'm going home, and I couldn't be more excited. It's the middle of the night, the butt crack of morning, and the sun is going to rise, and I haven't slept.. I'm packed and so ready.. and the excitement is boiling up inside. I'm anxious and over whelmed. This is the house I grew up in , I loved here, I loved it because of my friends... I loved it here..

I've got Jr High School Excitement , and I'm going home...

Over the Rhine - Born

when I watch tv late at night, I sometimes hear the saddest songs.. and sometimes I love sad songs

daydreaming

I just wanted to know what it would’ve been like to have you in my life forever…to not have to say good bye and to have you next to me, for always. I wanted to know what it would have been like if you were mine…

Sitting on the front porch

Years from now, when we're sitting on the front porch; we're going to be talking about the times that we remember most. You'll say my laugh is what you heard first, and like everyone else you'll say I was and I am sunshine. I'll tell you that you were the only one I let touch my face. We'll sit quietly not talking about all the time we wasted not saying all the things we were too afraid to say, we still won't say those things....

mozella can't stop

Sometimes I push away those I want to keep close, just to see if they’ll stay, because I want them to stay. Sometimes people just want to know that you are willing to fight for them, that far past everything else in the world, you want to be a part of them as much as they want to be a part of you. That  they believe in  you, and they are every bit worthy of you and what you have to offer, because to them, you have EVERYTHING to offer. Some people walk away, but walk away slowly because they want you to ask them  not to  go. Some people run so that you’ll chase them, and some people just keep you at arm’s length so they have you at a safe distance. A distance where  fear is the wall and pain is the road block. We are all judgers and will judge each other based on what someone else has done to us… to protect ourselves from future pain, future hurt, repeat sorrow? Sometimes the walls we put up to keep pain out, keep out joy. The guards we have to defend our hearts  from sorrow keep out the love that wants to come in. 

What does Love Cost

Being in Love is NOT free... it cost so much, more than you ever thought you had to give, and it doesn't give refunds, or exchanges, and each new purchase you make, causes you to spend a little more.

Hello...hello..over here

You see right through me, not into me knowing me. You see right through me, straight through me,right past me. You see right through me,cause I'm invisible to everyone. I'm invisible to Everyone, including you.

You don't know me either

 like them....

You don't know me either.

Right One, Wrong Time

Do you ever meet someone, I don't know, someone comes into your life and the moment they enter it, you wonder, where you were before, what was it that kept you from meeting earlier? Where were they, where were you when you should've started? Or seriously, this is the "right time”, this time was when it was all to happen, why not sooner? I feel like I missed out on so much, and it hurts so much. Like this card my parents gave me once for my birthday that said that there was a hole in their heart, a piece missing from their family they didn’t know was there until I filled it.  I feel so cheated. Time is not a good friend. What would have it been like if time could have been nicer to us, if paths came crossed at the earlier points. Did I not look up in a class at school? Did you pass me at a party and forgot to take a second look? 

“The Right one  at the Wrong time” that’s who I am….

When you think of me; I'm everything you know you wanted, I'm everything you've always needed. I'm that girl & you know it.

Matt Nathanson - Come On Get Higher

Losing someone to death is the easiest goodbye, you only have to say it once, saying it everyday scars the heart  with every intake of breath.


The heart wasn't made to take on that kind of hurt, the kind of hurt where scars are opened everyday with thoughts of what might have been revisited...

you can miss something that was never your's. you can miss something you never had, but wanted. you can miss it so much you feel it in the heartache.
it's a real pain, that causes real tears, and leaves you with an ache like a missing body part that should be there, but isn't. all that from something that wasn't even your's.